One week after the Avengers: Endgame premier, WMSR Senior Editor Annie Eyre and WMSR Co-General Manager Meg Matthias sat in the back corner of AMC Classic Hamilton 8 with one focus in mind: are the Avengers hungry? Do they actually eat food at all, or are they simply subsisting on space magic and snap-fueled sadness?
These hard-hitting questions didn’t come from nowhere. We noticed early in the film’s (three hour and one minute) run time that the Avengers don’t eat often—and when they do, their food choices are deeply concerning. Leaving the theater, we knew that our final exams and essays no longer mattered. As journalists, we had a moral responsibility to get to the bottom of what the Avengers actually eat.
The following catalogues the rare moments of food consumption in the film, organized from the least to most egregious “snacks” we’ve ever seen eaten on the Big Screen. Disclaimer: we’ve only seen Endgame one time (remember that it is three hours and one minute long), so we may be missing a few errant entries. We don’t think so, though.
10. Chinese Takeout
Even though we have to question where these boxes of lo mein came from (half the world is snapped out of existence and they expect us to believe there’s a Chinese restaurant in delivery distance of the Avengers compound?), this is still the most normal meal of the movie. There’s enough for everyone, and we even see noodles entering people’s mouths!
We debated if we were allowed to add this one to the list because we never see a piece of pizza actually come into contact with an Avenger’s mouth, but in the end we came to an agreement that the half-empty pizza boxes featured in Thor’s home were probably, in fact, consumed by Thor, Korg, and Miek (and yes, this is the most iconic trio in the film). Since pizza is a normal meal, this entry was far less offensive to us than what lies below.
8. One Gallon Container of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream
The one suspicious thing about the Chinese takeout scene mentioned earlier is that Hulk doesn’t get to eat lo mein with the rest of the team. Instead, he eats Hulk-branded Ben & Jerry’s ice cream out of the gallon-sized container (using a VERY large, ladle-esque spoon). Though we’re pretty sure Ben & Jerry’s doesn’t make ice cream by the gallon, nor would ice cream keep Hulk energized for the battle scenes to come, at least he’s eating?
7. Almost-Completed Juice Pop
This entry is upsetting solely because we’re expected to believe that Tony Stark—a billionaire who just invented time travel in the span of 30 seconds—cannot eat a full juice pop on his own. Instead, he must steal his four-year-old daughter’s last bite of her tasty treat, because he is a bully.
6. An Empty Taco Shell
A lot happens before Ant-Man gets to this taco shell. His first tacos (which he looks very happy to be eating, because again, he and the rest of the Avengers are starving) are in his hands when a spaceship lands at the compound, creating enough wind that all the good taco fillings are blown out of the hard shell and onto the ground. Though a savior appears in the form of Hulk, bearing two more tacos, we as the audience never see them get crunched into.
5. One Peanut Butter Sandwich
We cannot stop thinking about this peanut butter sandwich. It’s a pretty regular meal (even though we do have to wonder why there was no jelly or honey added to it before Black Widow slices it in half with a very sharp knife), but what makes it shocking is that Black Widow is not the only one to eat this sandwich. Rather, an entire scene centers on the sandwich being made, then shared with three (3!!!) people. Black Widow takes one bite, then Captain America mentions that he also wants some, before Ant Man comes in and claims he’s starving, inquiring who the blando sando belongs to. He proceeds to take one enthusiastic bite and, seemingly satiated, does not finish the rest of it. Remember how you used to eat peanut butter sandwiches as a child? The Avengers could never.
4. Salt Sprinkled Into Boiling Pot of Water
When the Avengers arrive on Thanos’s garden retirement-home planet, Thanos is hard at work cooking dinner. Except instead of cooking a real meal, he seems to be just salting a large pot of boiling water. Since we can assume the Avengers were starving after traveling to space and chopping off their number one enemy’s head, we can also assume they ate his dinner after killing him. Hopefully this bland meal kept them full during their sad spaceship journey back to Earth, but I doubt it. (We also never see them drinking water, and I feel like this salt-soup would make them pretty thirsty.)
3. Hulk’s Breakfast Spread
It’s important to note that before this scene begins, Ant Man, Captain America, and Black Widow have announced that they are “very hungry,” and therefore excited to meet their friend Hulk for a diner breakfast. But that declaration does not stop them from refusing to join Hulk in consuming his breakfast spread.
This spread includes: multiple sausages wrapped in tortillas, a stack of sausages on their own, and—worst of all—a gigantic stainless steel bowl of scrambled eggs. Hulk specifically asks the rest of the team to join him in eating the bowl of eggs, but they decline, probably too distracted by the drama stemming from a group of children asking for a photo with Hulk, but not Ant Man. Forget Thanos, we know the real enemy of this film: these children.
2. A Stainless Steel Bowl Of White Bread
What’s with this movie and stainless steel bowls? More importantly, what’s with the contents of these bowls?? Most importantly, why is this stainless steel bowl full of plain white bread?!?! We do see Thor take one angsty bite out of a piece of this bread, but honestly, who gave him this terrible snack? Who is doing the grocery shopping for this group of superheroes, and why do they only know one food group?
1. Again, We Repeat, A Stainless Steel Bowl Of White Bread
We have to say it again: A stainless steel bowl filled with only white bread. We will truly never get over this. Sure, we asked a lot of questions in the last entry with this same subject matter, but we have MORE! Do people actually enjoy eating plain white bread? What about when you probably haven’t eaten anything else for a full month? Is this actually satiating in any way? We can only assume the answers are all no, but if we’ve learned anything from Avengers: Endgame, it’s that we will never understand the digestive powers of the Avengers’ superhuman bodies.
In the face of all of this confusing and, frankly, deeply upsetting information, we would like to suggest a solution to the Avenger’s probable starvation. What if—and hear us out—they eat the Infinity Stones?
It’s perfectly logical to assume that when Thanos claimed that he “destroyed” the stones, what he really meant is that he had eaten all of them. And remember, this is the same man (giant alien thing?) that considered a soup made of only water and salt to be filling. So, we can definitively conclude that eating all five Infinity Stones will cure you of hunger for the rest of your life.
Though we don’t know what the Infinity Stones might taste like (Would they crunch? Squish, like magical space Gushers?), we think that this is a theory worth sharing with the world, and also 100% canonical within the Marvel Cinematic Universe. We don’t understand why no one else is talking about this.